I've had so many thoughts running through my head that I need to get some of them down. Maybe after that my mind can take a rest. Its been going a 1000 miles an a hour...while at the same time, not really coming to any conclusion or accomplishing much.
My heart is still broken. It will be this way for a long time...probably until the day the Savior comes and wipes away all tears from my eyes and turns these ashes into beauty. But in spite of that pain, there have been some tender mercies (clear reminders of the Lord's love for me) along the way that have helped me feel that He's close, that He is with me through this.
The first tender mercy happened when I was getting on the plane to fly home to FL- I ended up on the same flight as my friend Hannah Barton. We weren't seated together at first, but the Delta people ended up switching our family to be right behind her. And we didn't even have to ask for it. Heavenly Father was taking care of me. I got the chance to sit right next to her and we talked for a long time. She told me about what it was like for her losing a sister. We cried together and laughed together and I'm sure the guy next to us was trying to ignore our conversation. I didn't care. Its just amazing to me when the Lord does stuff like that for me. I didn't know talking to Hannah would help me but He knew. The Lord really does know us better than we know ourselves.
Another tender mercy that I didn't realize until later- Levi had zero accidents while we were on the airplane and at mom and dad's house. He was and still is only about 90% potty trained, and that is when I monitor and remind him really well. It really was a miracle because he was kind of neglected during the time. It was such a blessing that he didn't have any accidents. I don't know if I could have handled changing poopy undies this week.
Also, during the funeral, somehow the kids were so quiet and reverent. Levi fell asleep in Asa's car seat which was amazing. The spirit was so strong it was palpable. It was nothing short of a miracle that 35+ grandkids were quiet for a long funeral. No one had to leave to take out our kids. all the adults got to sit and take it in, which we really hungry for. Another one of the many many tender mercies.
I'm so grateful for my friends. Everybody has been so kind and generous. Carly Goodman & Christine Knudson have watched my kids and helped me, and so many other offer to help. A group of girls (Emily Knight, Liz Nelson, Corrin Hyde) were doing freezer meals for themselves and made a bunch of extra meals for me too while they were at it. Again, things I never asked for. I do make light of the RS sometimes, but man, when you are in need, they are the first ones to be there. They have been my mortal angels lately, ministering to me. Its humbling to watch others (who's lives aren't easy) sacrifice for me. It really is a beautiful thing, I'll love them forever for it. I want to be quicker to be there for others (or at times with others) when they're low.
Right now the biggest thing that I'm struggling with is the dismay. At the funeral and viewing, somehow I felt so much peace. I was comforted to know she's back with Heavenly parents- her eternal home. She's free of the mental illness that held her bound. She's at the feet of Jesus, he's giving her answers, teaching her how the pieces are coming together for good. And she's with people who love her.
Now though, its back to the daily grind of life and the eternal truths don't feel as potent now as they did. At the funeral it was like I was wrapped in a big warm blanket of peace, reminding me that there is an eternal plan, that God has all wisdom and all power and knows what He is doing. It was easy to trust Him in that warmth, in spite of the fact that our hearts were crushed and aching. Now it feels like the blanket is gone. I still believe it all, but the facts are staring me in the face and they're not pretty. I struggling with the fact that our family has prayed and begged and fasted and been patient etc. etc. etc. After all of that, this is the resolve...?! It just seems like worst case scenario, and so cruel or a slap in the face to our faith and hope and promises in God that we clung to. I could think of hundreds of ways to resolve Katie's plight that I'd be ok with, but this resolution (if you can call it that) I'm not ok with. In the next life it will all make sense, things will be made right, blah blah blah. My question is for here in this life though. What are the promises for this life? Or is the hope we are to cling to solely for the next life?
I guess I can answer that question. The sure promises that we can count on from God gives for this life is this-- He will give peace to those who seek it from Him. Not as the world gives peace (John 14:27). The world would give peace by simply fixing everything that is wrong or upsetting, but that isn't always the way God gives peace. We can find peace by trusting Him and following Him. He will manifest Himself to His followers. I think he wants us to be able to find peace not just during the easy parts of life but also in the turmoil. To find hope and joy in the promises of our Savior's infinite atonement in our behalf that will right every wrong and mend every hurt. I read the scripture today, 2 NE 2:25 "Men are, that they might have joy." and the scripture before that says, "all things have been done in the wisdom of Him who knoweth all things." Its just a hard time to get that knowledge into my head and heart, with these facts staring at me in the face.
Another thing that is hard is that part of me is afraid that if I embrace and accept that peace that I felt, it is almost like I'm approving or condoning her choice to take her life. There is an element of relief to all of this, but to really embrace that seems wrong. I don't want the grandkids or myself or anyone in a mentally unhealthy place to feel like this is an acceptable solution to challenges or that what she did actually helped her situation. I don't know how to recon with that.
I've developed a very unexpected empathy for people who struggle with doubts. I'm not doubting my testimony. I definitely know that the Book of Mormon is true and Joseph Smith restored the church, I guess I'm just realizing deeply for the first time that I can't see the whole picture, and that from my point of view the picture is turning out really ugly and turning into something I don't think is beautiful. So I can can understand how people have questions that they just can't come to grips with, and its not ok with them. I just wish that those people would keep the faith in spite of that bc at some point they'll realize that they're getting bent out of shape for a few things they don't understand, while the big picture is so much more than that. I guess I should take my own advice.
Mosiah 4:9 "...believe in God, believe that He has all power, both in heaven and in earth. Believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend..."
Boy is that an easy scripture to believe during this time.
I've also found comfort in the beginning of Ecclesiates 3. "There is a time to every season under heaven. A time to laugh and a time to weep. A time to speak and a time for silence..." I can't even put my finger on why I've found comfort in that but I have. Maybe this is just a time for our hearts to ache and to grieve and to be confused. That feels true. All while trusting that Jesus can and will make beauty out from the ashes.
I've also had a huge feeling of relief for the Savior, who saves us from our foolish choices. Oh this would be so much harder to bear if this life were the end. Or even if we were just left to ourselves. I'm just so grateful for Him for descendng below all things, so that we could have hope.
I already wrote this, but I love some of the phrase from Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer. Put Thy loving arms around us. We are weak, but thou art strong. Precious Savior Dear Redeemer, thou wilt bind the broken heart. Let not sorrow overwhelm us, dry the bitter tears that start.
Also, "If you could hie to Kolob" . The lyrics are a little strange, but I have an arrangement of the song that I love, that just seems to reaffirm the scripture I already mentioned- Mosiah 4:9. "Believe that man doth not comprehend all things which the Lord can comprehend." If only we were that much closer to the Lord, some of the darkness would be dispelled and the confusion would be cleared up.
Another thought I've had though, is this- what right do I have to be given all the answers? Look at Emma Smith. She sacrificed nearly everything she could to the Lord. Way more than me, at least, and yet she didn't have the answers given to her on a silver platter. She was much more deserving in my opinion.
Another thought I've had is a picture in my mind of a chain (representing the sealing power). When part of a chain is sagging, the two parts on either side of the chain can tighten and lift up the part that sags. I'm not exactly sure what that means is real life, but I feel like the image I had in mind was from the spirit. I'm so grateful for the sealing power. I'm also felt more gratitude for my garments. I definitely need that shielding and protecting influence.
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