I've had so many thoughts running through my head that I need to get some of them down. Maybe after that my mind can take a rest. Its been going a 1000 miles an a hour...while at the same time, not really coming to any conclusion or accomplishing much.
First of all, another tender mercy that happened when I was getting on the plane to fly home- I ended up on the same flight as my friend Hannah Barton. We weren't seated together at first, but the Delta people ended up switching us to be right behind her. And we didn't even have to ask for it. What are the chances?! I got the chance to talk to her a lot and she told me about what it was like losing her sister. Its just amazing to me when the Lord does stuff like that for me. Things I don't even realize I need or that I should ask for. The Lord really does know us better than we know ourselves.
Another tender mercy that I didn't realize until later- Levi had zero5 accidents while we were on the airplane and at mom and dad's house. He was and still is about 90% and that is when I monitor and remind him really well. It really was a miracle because he was kind of neglected during the time. It was such a blessing that he didn't have any accidents. I don't know if I could have handled changing poopy undies in that situation.
Also, during the funeral, somehow the kids were so quiet and reverent. Levi fell asleep in Asa's car seat which was amazing. The spirit was really strong, but it was nothing short of a miracle that 35+ grandkids were quiet for a long funeral. No one had to leave to take out our kids. Another one of the many many tender mercies.
I'm so grateful for my friends. Everybody has been so kind and generous. Carly Goodman & Christine Knudson have watched my kids and help me, and so many other offer to help. A group of girls (Emily Knight, Liz Nelson, Corrin Hyde) were doing freezer for themselves and made a bunch of extra meals for me too while they were at it. Again, stuff I didn't even have to ask for. I do make fun of the RS sometimes, but man, when you are in need, they are the first ones to be there. It really is a beautiful thing, and makes me want to be better at helping others when they're low.
So here are a few thoughts I've had about Katie- I think the psychosis was sort of an escape for her when the pain of reality was too much to handle. I heard she started taking shots every month to prevent the psychosis. So I wonder if she wasn't on medication, maybe she would have gone back into a psychotic episode rather than suicide. Maybe since she was taking the shots, her mind wouldn't allow her to have that escape, and reality was just too painful to bear. Maybe I'm way off, this is just speculation.
Right now the biggest thing that I'm struggling with is the questions and dismay. At the funeral and viewing, I felt so much peace. I knew things were infinitely better for her now, that she had answers, peace, and was with people who love her. Her mortal cares and concerns were resolved. Now though, the spirit isn't as strong, and I struggling with the fact that our family has prayed and begged and fasted and been patient and accepted and etc. etc. etc. Now after all of that, this is the resolve...?! It just seems like worst case scenario, and so cruel that this is the result of our perfect brightness of hope that we clung to. I could thing of hundreds of ways to resolve Katie's plight that I'd be ok with, but this resolution (if you can call it that) I'm not ok with. I know all is not lost. In the next life it will all make sense, blah blah blah. My question is for here in this life though. What is realistic to hope for and expect in this life? Or are we to just hold onto that perfect brightness of hope for the next life?
I did read the scripture today, 2 NE 2:25 "Men are, that they might have joy." and the scripture before that says, "all things have been done in the wisdom of Him who knoweth all things." Its just a hard time to get that knowledge into my head and heart, with the facts staring at me in the face.
Another thing that is hard is to just embrace that peace that I experienced up in Pocatello. I feel like to do that is almost like justifying her choice to take her life. There is an element of relief to all of this, but to really embrace that just seems wrong. I don't want the grandkids or myself or anyone in a mentally unhealthy place to feel like this is an acceptable solution to challenges or that what she did actually helped her situation. I don't know how to recon with that.
I've developed a very unexpected empathy for people who struggle with doubts. I'm not doubting my testimony. I definitely know that the Book of Mormon is true and Joseph Smith restored the church, I guess I'm just realizing deeply for the first time that I can't see the whole picture, and that from my point of view the picture is turning out really ugly and turning into something I don't think is beautiful. So I can can understand how people have questions that they just can't come to grips with, and its not ok with them. I just wish that those people would keep the faith in spite of that bc at some point they'll realize that they're getting bent out of shape for a few things they don't understand, while the big picture is so much more than that. I guess I should take my own advice.
Mosiah 4:9 "...believe in God, believe that He has all power, both in heaven and in earth. Believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend..."
Boy is that an easy scripture to believe during this time.
I've also found comfort in the begging of Ecclesiates 3. "There is a time to every season, and every thing under heaven. A time to laugh and a time to weep. A time to speak and a time for silence.." It goes something like that. I can't even put my finger on why I've found comfort in that but I have.
I've also had a huge feeling of relief for the Savior, who saves us from our foolish choices. Oh this would be so much harder to bear if this life were the end. Or even if we were just left to ourselves. I'm just so grateful for Him for descendng below all things, so that we could have hope.
I already wrote this, but I love some of the phrase from Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer. Put Thy loving arms around us. We are weak, but thou art strong. Precious Savior Dear Redeemer, thou wilt bind the broken heart. Let not sorrow overwhelm us, dry the bitter tears that start.
Also, "If you could hie to Kolob" . The lyrics are a little strange, but I have an arrangement of the song that I love, that just seems to reaffirm the scripture I already mentioned- Mosiah 4:9. "Believe that man doth not comprehend all things which the Lord can comprehend." If only we were that much closer to the Lord, some of the darkness would be dispelled and the confusion would be cleared up.
Another thought I've had though, is this- what right do I have to be given all the answers? Look at Emma Smith. She sacrificed nearly everything she could to the Lord. Way more than me, at least, and yet she didn't have the answers given to her on a silver platter. She was much more deserving in my opinion.
Another thought I've had is a picture in my mind of a chain (representing the sealing power). When part of a chain is sagging, the two parts on either side of the chain can tighten and lift up the part that sags. I'm not exactly sure what that means is real life, but I feel like the image I had in mind was from the spirit. I'm so grateful for the sealing power. I'm also felt more gratitude for my garments. I definitely need that protection from satan's grasp.
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