Katie

Well, this is a post that you pray you'll never have to write. My heart is still aching. Deep breath, here we go...

Ten days ago my big sister Katie took her own life.  I'm not going to rehash all the details of the incident.  Just writing this without all that is making my stomach sick. To say the least, she'd been struggling severely for the last six to ten years.  She got divorced from her first husband Jake Ball less than a year after she had Payden (her 3rd baby who is a month older than Benson).  Since then, there's been some pretty bitter custody battles. Katie started out with full custody, which eventually changed to half custody, which slowly decreased until she had only one hour a week (supervised) with them. The only thing Katie wanted was her kids. The less time Katie had with her them, the more her mental health deteriorated.  The last 6 years she went into the hospital around 5 times. She was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2, then her diagnosis was switched. We're not sure what came first- the decline of mental health leading to less time with the kids? Or less time with the kids, leading to decline of mental health.
It doesn't matter now, but I still wonder why the last part of her life had to be so hard.  Especially with the repeated prayers, the fasting, the priesthood blessing, putting her name on the temple prayer, etc. etc. etc.  One thing is for sure, the Lord knew about her situation and for a reason unknown to me, he allowed all of this to happen in spite of the innumerable faith filled petitions to heaven in her behalf.  And when I say petitions, what I really mean is begging and pleading, crying, bargaining, accepting, giving up, then begging and pleading and starting the cycle again.  This situation has given my parents (let along Katie) a taste of the pains of what hell feel like. 
Life is a test I suppose, and they had a very difficult one. The only thought I've had to go along with this is that you wouldn't give a graduate student a kindergarten test.  I have the utmost respect for my mom and dad, and Katie also, so in my book they are/were graduate students, with graduate student level work to accomplish.

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Going home was an absolute whirlwind.  Found out the news Wed. night. Hardly slept.  Flew home early early Friday. Hardly slept again bc of the early flight...which we missed (by 3 min and which was no fault of our own...gah). I was nervous to be home and having to face reality, but being home was so good.  I love my family so much.  They are all anchored, strong and amazing.  We cried together and laughed together and talked and analyzed and remembered. There was a very special spirit there. Ironic, considering the situation, but it was true.  We were so unified and the veil seemed thin. Oh how I needed my family.

My mom was picking up Katie's kids on Saturday at the courthouse for a court-ordered-grandparent visit (unrelated to Katie's passing). My parents had spent thousands of dollars to get grandparent rights. Sometime during the exchange with Hillary my mom remembered that Katie had very emphatically asked her 4 days before passing away that the fued (ie war) with Jake and Hillary be OVER. It had been long lasting, ugly and bitter. My mom told Hillary she was done fighting because Katie had requested it. She'd told my mom that she needed to pray that Jake and Hillary be able to feel the love of Christ.  Forgiveness was a huge miracle for our family to say the least, and a burden off our shoulders. Also such a relief for Katie's kids.  When they saw Hillary and my mom hug each other and almost couldn't believe their eyes.
   
The girls were all invited to dress Katie on Sunday night before the viewing.  None of the inlaws ended up going though, just the sisters. It was such a peaceful experience.  My mom said a powerful prayer and thanked Heavenly Father for helping the fued to be over. It was the healing we all needed...especially my mom. Jill did Katie's nails (french tipped) and I curled her hair.  She has beautiful and hands and finger nails.  Mom french braided it (inside out) like a headband and all the girls matched our hair to hers.  Her hair felt just like I remembered it.  I was surprised.  I thought it would lose some of its luster and coarsen up a bit but it was just as shiny and beautiful as always. I think the familiarity of her hands and hair made it seem like she was just sleeping and would wake up at any time. 

The viewing was packed.  I saw some of my very favorite people on the planet there. It was supposed to last from 6-8 but we didn't leave until 10:30.  The very end of it was spent with just the siblings a few cousins on my mom's side though. Once again, we cried together and laughed together.  There was such a sweet spirit there. Again, the veil was thin.  This was the night I started to lose my voice completely.  Six days later, and its still not back.

Monday was another viewing before the funeral, the funeral, and the burial in Goshen Cemetary. Each of the siblings spoke. We were only supposed to go for 3 minutes but I went way over (whoops).  I also played "If you could Hie to Kolob."
My mom requested a copy of everyone's talks, so here it is-

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I'm Katies youngest sibling and the favorite in the family :)   Our childhood was near perfect. There was a lot of laughing and a lot of butting heads. Apparently Katie and Scott thought I was spoiled because when I was little they made up a song about me that they'd sing to me over and over.
            (Rudely)- Katie and Scott, take out the garbage, take out the trash...
            (Sweetly)- Stacey baby, Stacey baby, Stacey baby, Stacey baby
            (Rudely)- Katie and Scott, do the laundry, do the work
            (Sweetly)- Stacey baby, Stacey baby, Stacey baby, Stacey baby...
We used to play in our front bushes alot. We would throw berries at cars from the our hideout. The first time the big kids showed me where their hideout was, I was told that they were actually throwing apples at cars, instead of berries. (They were only throwing apples at the road, not at the cars but I didn't know that).  The next car that drove by I threw an apple at. It hit the passenger door.  It was our neighbor, Harry Burgendorf, who had a very short fuse.  He stopped and lectured us, but I ran away so the big kids took the heat for me.

After I got married I lived in Pocatello. Katie and I spent a lot of time together.  We would go play volleyball with a group that was way better than us. Katie had a signature scream that she'd do whenever she missed.  It rubbed off on me.

I remember telling Katie that I was pregnant with Benson.  I was probably only 6 weeks.  Katie told me that she was also pregnant (with Payden) but about 4 1/2 months along.

Katie had a really difficult deliver with Payden.  I can't remember why, but she ended up needing a c section. The first time after seeing her, I remember thinking she was so beautiful.

The first Christmas after Benson and Payden were born, Katie was playing with Payden and making him laugh so hard.  I just remember thinking how advanced Payden was, because him and Benson weren't very far apart in age, and Benson was no where near laughing.

The night I found out about Katie's passing, I was at a complete loss for words.  After crying longer and harder than I ever have, I sat down at the piano.  I found a song that took on new meaning.  The hymn, "Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer". 
            Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer, we are weak, but thou art strong...
             put thy loving arms around us
            Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer, thou wilt bind the broken heart.
            In thine infinite compassion, dry the bitter tears that start.

This week I have felt the Savior putting His arms around us.  I have felt Him drying the bitter tears.
Now I want to play a song, "If you could Hie to Kolob"
I believe if we were just that much closer to God, maybe some of this confusion would be cleared up.
In the name of Jesus Christ amen

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So that was my talk.  The funeral was a beautiful celebration of Katie's life.  Jesus Christ and the atonement was beautifully intertwined.  Many people mentioned that to me, and I could just feel the spirit so strongly.  It was definitely a spiritual high.
After the funeral we had the luncheon, then drove out to Goshen for the burial.  The next day, Tuesday, was filled with cleaning out her stuff. Wed, we were still cleaning, but decided to take a break and go out to Pizza Pie Cafe, then Lava afterward.  It was a much appreciated break.

The next morning, Thursday, James and I left and drove up to Meridian to see James' Grandpa Phelps.  He's definitely on his way out.  We love him and his wife Carol.
On Fri, we spent time with the Brown's in SL. Jessica planned an amazing party for Benson since his birthday was the day of the viewing and obviously a little overlooked. I was struggling to get Katie's situation off my mind.  The violent nature of her passing was especially getting to me but I didn't say anything to anybody.  Vicki suggested that we go to the temple while John was officiating a session.  We were out at Jessica's house and made it back and to the session.  It was nothing short of a miracle.  James and I had no temple clothes, and I had no recommend. Vicki called John and asked him to get all the clothes ready for me so we could just go straight in. He also told the people at the recommend desk to look me up ahead of time so I could get in. They can look up your name and recommend status with just an id now!  We got to the temple at about 6:23, for the 6:30 session.

I rushed to go to the waiting room, but they were already taking people up to the first instructional room.  I came face to face with Evey and Doug...my aunt and uncle! I gave her the biggest hug and cried a little.  I can't even describe the relief it was to see them! It was so nice to have someone who knew what I'm going through and who loved Katie as well. The biggest, most obvious tender mercy I have ever experienced. At that moment I knew the Lord was aware of me and would help me get through this.  Even if my heart was still aching and my questions weren't all answered.