I've had so many thoughts running through my head that I need to get some of them down. Maybe after that my mind can take a rest. Its been going a 1000 miles an a hour...while at the same time, not really coming to any conclusion or accomplishing much.
First of all, another tender mercy that happened when I was getting on the plane to fly home- I ended up on the same flight as my friend Hannah Barton. We weren't seated together at first, but the Delta people ended up switching us to be right behind her. And we didn't even have to ask for it. What are the chances?! I got the chance to talk to her a lot and she told me about what it was like losing her sister. Its just amazing to me when the Lord does stuff like that for me. Things I don't even realize I need or that I should ask for. The Lord really does know us better than we know ourselves.
Another tender mercy that I didn't realize until later- Levi had zero5 accidents while we were on the airplane and at mom and dad's house. He was and still is about 90% and that is when I monitor and remind him really well. It really was a miracle because he was kind of neglected during the time. It was such a blessing that he didn't have any accidents. I don't know if I could have handled changing poopy undies in that situation.
Also, during the funeral, somehow the kids were so quiet and reverent. Levi fell asleep in Asa's car seat which was amazing. The spirit was really strong, but it was nothing short of a miracle that 35+ grandkids were quiet for a long funeral. No one had to leave to take out our kids. Another one of the many many tender mercies.
I'm so grateful for my friends. Everybody has been so kind and generous. Carly Goodman & Christine Knudson have watched my kids and help me, and so many other offer to help. A group of girls (Emily Knight, Liz Nelson, Corrin Hyde) were doing freezer for themselves and made a bunch of extra meals for me too while they were at it. Again, stuff I didn't even have to ask for. I do make fun of the RS sometimes, but man, when you are in need, they are the first ones to be there. It really is a beautiful thing, and makes me want to be better at helping others when they're low.
So here are a few thoughts I've had about Katie- I think the psychosis was sort of an escape for her when the pain of reality was too much to handle. I heard she started taking shots every month to prevent the psychosis. So I wonder if she wasn't on medication, maybe she would have gone back into a psychotic episode rather than suicide. Maybe since she was taking the shots, her mind wouldn't allow her to have that escape, and reality was just too painful to bear. Maybe I'm way off, this is just speculation.
Right now the biggest thing that I'm struggling with is the questions and dismay. At the funeral and viewing, I felt so much peace. I knew things were infinitely better for her now, that she had answers, peace, and was with people who love her. Her mortal cares and concerns were resolved. Now though, the spirit isn't as strong, and I struggling with the fact that our family has prayed and begged and fasted and been patient and accepted and etc. etc. etc. Now after all of that, this is the resolve...?! It just seems like worst case scenario, and so cruel that this is the result of our perfect brightness of hope that we clung to. I could thing of hundreds of ways to resolve Katie's plight that I'd be ok with, but this resolution (if you can call it that) I'm not ok with. I know all is not lost. In the next life it will all make sense, blah blah blah. My question is for here in this life though. What is realistic to hope for and expect in this life? Or are we to just hold onto that perfect brightness of hope for the next life?
I did read the scripture today, 2 NE 2:25 "Men are, that they might have joy." and the scripture before that says, "all things have been done in the wisdom of Him who knoweth all things." Its just a hard time to get that knowledge into my head and heart, with the facts staring at me in the face.
Another thing that is hard is to just embrace that peace that I experienced up in Pocatello. I feel like to do that is almost like justifying her choice to take her life. There is an element of relief to all of this, but to really embrace that just seems wrong. I don't want the grandkids or myself or anyone in a mentally unhealthy place to feel like this is an acceptable solution to challenges or that what she did actually helped her situation. I don't know how to recon with that.
I've developed a very unexpected empathy for people who struggle with doubts. I'm not doubting my testimony. I definitely know that the Book of Mormon is true and Joseph Smith restored the church, I guess I'm just realizing deeply for the first time that I can't see the whole picture, and that from my point of view the picture is turning out really ugly and turning into something I don't think is beautiful. So I can can understand how people have questions that they just can't come to grips with, and its not ok with them. I just wish that those people would keep the faith in spite of that bc at some point they'll realize that they're getting bent out of shape for a few things they don't understand, while the big picture is so much more than that. I guess I should take my own advice.
Mosiah 4:9 "...believe in God, believe that He has all power, both in heaven and in earth. Believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend..."
Boy is that an easy scripture to believe during this time.
I've also found comfort in the begging of Ecclesiates 3. "There is a time to every season, and every thing under heaven. A time to laugh and a time to weep. A time to speak and a time for silence.." It goes something like that. I can't even put my finger on why I've found comfort in that but I have.
I've also had a huge feeling of relief for the Savior, who saves us from our foolish choices. Oh this would be so much harder to bear if this life were the end. Or even if we were just left to ourselves. I'm just so grateful for Him for descendng below all things, so that we could have hope.
I already wrote this, but I love some of the phrase from Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer. Put Thy loving arms around us. We are weak, but thou art strong. Precious Savior Dear Redeemer, thou wilt bind the broken heart. Let not sorrow overwhelm us, dry the bitter tears that start.
Also, "If you could hie to Kolob" . The lyrics are a little strange, but I have an arrangement of the song that I love, that just seems to reaffirm the scripture I already mentioned- Mosiah 4:9. "Believe that man doth not comprehend all things which the Lord can comprehend." If only we were that much closer to the Lord, some of the darkness would be dispelled and the confusion would be cleared up.
Another thought I've had though, is this- what right do I have to be given all the answers? Look at Emma Smith. She sacrificed nearly everything she could to the Lord. Way more than me, at least, and yet she didn't have the answers given to her on a silver platter. She was much more deserving in my opinion.
Another thought I've had is a picture in my mind of a chain (representing the sealing power). When part of a chain is sagging, the two parts on either side of the chain can tighten and lift up the part that sags. I'm not exactly sure what that means is real life, but I feel like the image I had in mind was from the spirit. I'm so grateful for the sealing power. I'm also felt more gratitude for my garments. I definitely need that protection from satan's grasp.
Thursday, November 2, 2017
Saturday, October 28, 2017
Katie
Well, this is a post that you pray you'll never have to write. My heart is still aching. Deep breath, here we go...
Ten days ago my big sister Katie took her own life. I'm not going to rehash all the details of the incident. Just writing this without all that is making my stomach sick. To say the least, she'd been struggling severely for the last six to ten years. She got divorced from her first husband Jake Ball less than a year after she had Payden (her 3rd baby who is a month older than Benson). Since then, there's been some pretty bitter custody battles. Katie started out with full custody, which eventually changed to half custody, which slowly decreased until she had only one hour a week (supervised) with them. The only thing Katie wanted was her kids. The less time Katie had with her them, the more her mental health deteriorated. The last 6 years she went into the hospital around 5 times. She was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2, then her diagnosis was switched. We're not sure what came first- the decline of mental health leading to less time with the kids? Or less time with the kids, leading to decline of mental health.
It doesn't matter now, but I still wonder why the last part of her life had to be so hard. Especially with the repeated prayers, the fasting, the priesthood blessing, putting her name on the temple prayer, etc. etc. etc. One thing is for sure, the Lord knew about her situation and for a reason unknown to me, he allowed all of this to happen in spite of the innumerable faith filled petitions to heaven in her behalf. And when I say petitions, what I really mean is begging and pleading, crying, bargaining, accepting, giving up, then begging and pleading and starting the cycle again. This situation has given my parents (let along Katie) a taste of the pains of what hell feel like.
Life is a test I suppose, and they had a very difficult one. The only thought I've had to go along with this is that you wouldn't give a graduate student a kindergarten test. I have the utmost respect for my mom and dad, and Katie also, so in my book they are/were graduate students, with graduate student level work to accomplish.
-----
Going home was an absolute whirlwind. Found out the news Wed. night. Hardly slept. Flew home early early Friday. Hardly slept again bc of the early flight...which we missed (by 3 min and which was no fault of our own...gah). I was nervous to be home and having to face reality, but being home was so good. I love my family so much. They are all anchored, strong and amazing. We cried together and laughed together and talked and analyzed and remembered. There was a very special spirit there. Ironic, considering the situation, but it was true. We were so unified and the veil seemed thin. Oh how I needed my family.
My mom was picking up Katie's kids on Saturday at the courthouse for a court-ordered-grandparent visit (unrelated to Katie's passing). My parents had spent thousands of dollars to get grandparent rights. Sometime during the exchange with Hillary my mom remembered that Katie had very emphatically asked her 4 days before passing away that the fued (ie war) with Jake and Hillary be OVER. It had been long lasting, ugly and bitter. My mom told Hillary she was done fighting because Katie had requested it. She'd told my mom that she needed to pray that Jake and Hillary be able to feel the love of Christ. Forgiveness was a huge miracle for our family to say the least, and a burden off our shoulders. Also such a relief for Katie's kids. When they saw Hillary and my mom hug each other and almost couldn't believe their eyes.
The girls were all invited to dress Katie on Sunday night before the viewing. None of the inlaws ended up going though, just the sisters. It was such a peaceful experience. My mom said a powerful prayer and thanked Heavenly Father for helping the fued to be over. It was the healing we all needed...especially my mom. Jill did Katie's nails (french tipped) and I curled her hair. She has beautiful and hands and finger nails. Mom french braided it (inside out) like a headband and all the girls matched our hair to hers. Her hair felt just like I remembered it. I was surprised. I thought it would lose some of its luster and coarsen up a bit but it was just as shiny and beautiful as always. I think the familiarity of her hands and hair made it seem like she was just sleeping and would wake up at any time.
The viewing was packed. I saw some of my very favorite people on the planet there. It was supposed to last from 6-8 but we didn't leave until 10:30. The very end of it was spent with just the siblings a few cousins on my mom's side though. Once again, we cried together and laughed together. There was such a sweet spirit there. Again, the veil was thin. This was the night I started to lose my voice completely. Six days later, and its still not back.
Monday was another viewing before the funeral, the funeral, and the burial in Goshen Cemetary. Each of the siblings spoke. We were only supposed to go for 3 minutes but I went way over (whoops). I also played "If you could Hie to Kolob."
My mom requested a copy of everyone's talks, so here it is-
-------
I'm Katies youngest sibling and the favorite in the family :) Our childhood was near perfect. There was a lot of laughing and a lot of butting heads. Apparently Katie and Scott thought I was spoiled because when I was little they made up a song about me that they'd sing to me over and over.
(Rudely)- Katie and Scott, take out the garbage, take out the trash...
(Sweetly)- Stacey baby, Stacey baby, Stacey baby, Stacey baby
(Rudely)- Katie and Scott, do the laundry, do the work
(Sweetly)- Stacey baby, Stacey baby, Stacey baby, Stacey baby...
We used to play in our front bushes alot. We would throw berries at cars from the our hideout. The first time the big kids showed me where their hideout was, I was told that they were actually throwing apples at cars, instead of berries. (They were only throwing apples at the road, not at the cars but I didn't know that). The next car that drove by I threw an apple at. It hit the passenger door. It was our neighbor, Harry Burgendorf, who had a very short fuse. He stopped and lectured us, but I ran away so the big kids took the heat for me.
After I got married I lived in Pocatello. Katie and I spent a lot of time together. We would go play volleyball with a group that was way better than us. Katie had a signature scream that she'd do whenever she missed. It rubbed off on me.
I remember telling Katie that I was pregnant with Benson. I was probably only 6 weeks. Katie told me that she was also pregnant (with Payden) but about 4 1/2 months along.
Katie had a really difficult deliver with Payden. I can't remember why, but she ended up needing a c section. The first time after seeing her, I remember thinking she was so beautiful.
The first Christmas after Benson and Payden were born, Katie was playing with Payden and making him laugh so hard. I just remember thinking how advanced Payden was, because him and Benson weren't very far apart in age, and Benson was no where near laughing.
The night I found out about Katie's passing, I was at a complete loss for words. After crying longer and harder than I ever have, I sat down at the piano. I found a song that took on new meaning. The hymn, "Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer".
Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer, we are weak, but thou art strong...
put thy loving arms around us
Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer, thou wilt bind the broken heart.
In thine infinite compassion, dry the bitter tears that start.
This week I have felt the Savior putting His arms around us. I have felt Him drying the bitter tears.
Now I want to play a song, "If you could Hie to Kolob"
I believe if we were just that much closer to God, maybe some of this confusion would be cleared up.
In the name of Jesus Christ amen
--------
So that was my talk. The funeral was a beautiful celebration of Katie's life. Jesus Christ and the atonement was beautifully intertwined. Many people mentioned that to me, and I could just feel the spirit so strongly. It was definitely a spiritual high.
After the funeral we had the luncheon, then drove out to Goshen for the burial. The next day, Tuesday, was filled with cleaning out her stuff. Wed, we were still cleaning, but decided to take a break and go out to Pizza Pie Cafe, then Lava afterward. It was a much appreciated break.
The next morning, Thursday, James and I left and drove up to Meridian to see James' Grandpa Phelps. He's definitely on his way out. We love him and his wife Carol.
On Fri, we spent time with the Brown's in SL. Jessica planned an amazing party for Benson since his birthday was the day of the viewing and obviously a little overlooked. I was struggling to get Katie's situation off my mind. The violent nature of her passing was especially getting to me but I didn't say anything to anybody. Vicki suggested that we go to the temple while John was officiating a session. We were out at Jessica's house and made it back and to the session. It was nothing short of a miracle. James and I had no temple clothes, and I had no recommend. Vicki called John and asked him to get all the clothes ready for me so we could just go straight in. He also told the people at the recommend desk to look me up ahead of time so I could get in. They can look up your name and recommend status with just an id now! We got to the temple at about 6:23, for the 6:30 session.
I rushed to go to the waiting room, but they were already taking people up to the first instructional room. I came face to face with Evey and Doug...my aunt and uncle! I gave her the biggest hug and cried a little. I can't even describe the relief it was to see them! It was so nice to have someone who knew what I'm going through and who loved Katie as well. The biggest, most obvious tender mercy I have ever experienced. At that moment I knew the Lord was aware of me and would help me get through this. Even if my heart was still aching and my questions weren't all answered.
Ten days ago my big sister Katie took her own life. I'm not going to rehash all the details of the incident. Just writing this without all that is making my stomach sick. To say the least, she'd been struggling severely for the last six to ten years. She got divorced from her first husband Jake Ball less than a year after she had Payden (her 3rd baby who is a month older than Benson). Since then, there's been some pretty bitter custody battles. Katie started out with full custody, which eventually changed to half custody, which slowly decreased until she had only one hour a week (supervised) with them. The only thing Katie wanted was her kids. The less time Katie had with her them, the more her mental health deteriorated. The last 6 years she went into the hospital around 5 times. She was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2, then her diagnosis was switched. We're not sure what came first- the decline of mental health leading to less time with the kids? Or less time with the kids, leading to decline of mental health.
It doesn't matter now, but I still wonder why the last part of her life had to be so hard. Especially with the repeated prayers, the fasting, the priesthood blessing, putting her name on the temple prayer, etc. etc. etc. One thing is for sure, the Lord knew about her situation and for a reason unknown to me, he allowed all of this to happen in spite of the innumerable faith filled petitions to heaven in her behalf. And when I say petitions, what I really mean is begging and pleading, crying, bargaining, accepting, giving up, then begging and pleading and starting the cycle again. This situation has given my parents (let along Katie) a taste of the pains of what hell feel like.
Life is a test I suppose, and they had a very difficult one. The only thought I've had to go along with this is that you wouldn't give a graduate student a kindergarten test. I have the utmost respect for my mom and dad, and Katie also, so in my book they are/were graduate students, with graduate student level work to accomplish.
-----
Going home was an absolute whirlwind. Found out the news Wed. night. Hardly slept. Flew home early early Friday. Hardly slept again bc of the early flight...which we missed (by 3 min and which was no fault of our own...gah). I was nervous to be home and having to face reality, but being home was so good. I love my family so much. They are all anchored, strong and amazing. We cried together and laughed together and talked and analyzed and remembered. There was a very special spirit there. Ironic, considering the situation, but it was true. We were so unified and the veil seemed thin. Oh how I needed my family.
My mom was picking up Katie's kids on Saturday at the courthouse for a court-ordered-grandparent visit (unrelated to Katie's passing). My parents had spent thousands of dollars to get grandparent rights. Sometime during the exchange with Hillary my mom remembered that Katie had very emphatically asked her 4 days before passing away that the fued (ie war) with Jake and Hillary be OVER. It had been long lasting, ugly and bitter. My mom told Hillary she was done fighting because Katie had requested it. She'd told my mom that she needed to pray that Jake and Hillary be able to feel the love of Christ. Forgiveness was a huge miracle for our family to say the least, and a burden off our shoulders. Also such a relief for Katie's kids. When they saw Hillary and my mom hug each other and almost couldn't believe their eyes.
The girls were all invited to dress Katie on Sunday night before the viewing. None of the inlaws ended up going though, just the sisters. It was such a peaceful experience. My mom said a powerful prayer and thanked Heavenly Father for helping the fued to be over. It was the healing we all needed...especially my mom. Jill did Katie's nails (french tipped) and I curled her hair. She has beautiful and hands and finger nails. Mom french braided it (inside out) like a headband and all the girls matched our hair to hers. Her hair felt just like I remembered it. I was surprised. I thought it would lose some of its luster and coarsen up a bit but it was just as shiny and beautiful as always. I think the familiarity of her hands and hair made it seem like she was just sleeping and would wake up at any time.
The viewing was packed. I saw some of my very favorite people on the planet there. It was supposed to last from 6-8 but we didn't leave until 10:30. The very end of it was spent with just the siblings a few cousins on my mom's side though. Once again, we cried together and laughed together. There was such a sweet spirit there. Again, the veil was thin. This was the night I started to lose my voice completely. Six days later, and its still not back.
Monday was another viewing before the funeral, the funeral, and the burial in Goshen Cemetary. Each of the siblings spoke. We were only supposed to go for 3 minutes but I went way over (whoops). I also played "If you could Hie to Kolob."
My mom requested a copy of everyone's talks, so here it is-
-------
I'm Katies youngest sibling and the favorite in the family :) Our childhood was near perfect. There was a lot of laughing and a lot of butting heads. Apparently Katie and Scott thought I was spoiled because when I was little they made up a song about me that they'd sing to me over and over.
(Rudely)- Katie and Scott, take out the garbage, take out the trash...
(Sweetly)- Stacey baby, Stacey baby, Stacey baby, Stacey baby
(Rudely)- Katie and Scott, do the laundry, do the work
(Sweetly)- Stacey baby, Stacey baby, Stacey baby, Stacey baby...
We used to play in our front bushes alot. We would throw berries at cars from the our hideout. The first time the big kids showed me where their hideout was, I was told that they were actually throwing apples at cars, instead of berries. (They were only throwing apples at the road, not at the cars but I didn't know that). The next car that drove by I threw an apple at. It hit the passenger door. It was our neighbor, Harry Burgendorf, who had a very short fuse. He stopped and lectured us, but I ran away so the big kids took the heat for me.
After I got married I lived in Pocatello. Katie and I spent a lot of time together. We would go play volleyball with a group that was way better than us. Katie had a signature scream that she'd do whenever she missed. It rubbed off on me.
I remember telling Katie that I was pregnant with Benson. I was probably only 6 weeks. Katie told me that she was also pregnant (with Payden) but about 4 1/2 months along.
Katie had a really difficult deliver with Payden. I can't remember why, but she ended up needing a c section. The first time after seeing her, I remember thinking she was so beautiful.
The first Christmas after Benson and Payden were born, Katie was playing with Payden and making him laugh so hard. I just remember thinking how advanced Payden was, because him and Benson weren't very far apart in age, and Benson was no where near laughing.
The night I found out about Katie's passing, I was at a complete loss for words. After crying longer and harder than I ever have, I sat down at the piano. I found a song that took on new meaning. The hymn, "Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer".
Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer, we are weak, but thou art strong...
put thy loving arms around us
Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer, thou wilt bind the broken heart.
In thine infinite compassion, dry the bitter tears that start.
This week I have felt the Savior putting His arms around us. I have felt Him drying the bitter tears.
Now I want to play a song, "If you could Hie to Kolob"
I believe if we were just that much closer to God, maybe some of this confusion would be cleared up.
In the name of Jesus Christ amen
--------
So that was my talk. The funeral was a beautiful celebration of Katie's life. Jesus Christ and the atonement was beautifully intertwined. Many people mentioned that to me, and I could just feel the spirit so strongly. It was definitely a spiritual high.
After the funeral we had the luncheon, then drove out to Goshen for the burial. The next day, Tuesday, was filled with cleaning out her stuff. Wed, we were still cleaning, but decided to take a break and go out to Pizza Pie Cafe, then Lava afterward. It was a much appreciated break.
The next morning, Thursday, James and I left and drove up to Meridian to see James' Grandpa Phelps. He's definitely on his way out. We love him and his wife Carol.
On Fri, we spent time with the Brown's in SL. Jessica planned an amazing party for Benson since his birthday was the day of the viewing and obviously a little overlooked. I was struggling to get Katie's situation off my mind. The violent nature of her passing was especially getting to me but I didn't say anything to anybody. Vicki suggested that we go to the temple while John was officiating a session. We were out at Jessica's house and made it back and to the session. It was nothing short of a miracle. James and I had no temple clothes, and I had no recommend. Vicki called John and asked him to get all the clothes ready for me so we could just go straight in. He also told the people at the recommend desk to look me up ahead of time so I could get in. They can look up your name and recommend status with just an id now! We got to the temple at about 6:23, for the 6:30 session.
I rushed to go to the waiting room, but they were already taking people up to the first instructional room. I came face to face with Evey and Doug...my aunt and uncle! I gave her the biggest hug and cried a little. I can't even describe the relief it was to see them! It was so nice to have someone who knew what I'm going through and who loved Katie as well. The biggest, most obvious tender mercy I have ever experienced. At that moment I knew the Lord was aware of me and would help me get through this. Even if my heart was still aching and my questions weren't all answered.
Saturday, September 9, 2017
Irma, Irma and more Irma
Did I mention hurricane Irma is coming? Two words can sum my
entire week up- hurricane prep. I think I've checked the weather app a billion times, because the projectd the path of this storm is always changing…that Irma, she’s a tricky one.
current projected path
current projected path
Its consumed all of our to do lists, thoughts, texts, prayers, conversations with friends, family, etc. Speaking of which, Katressa, Michelle, Meredith, Annie, Collin, thanks for checking up on me and having having my back:)
Gainesville has become a zoo (aka a major evacuation zone
for half the state of Florida). My friend has her cousin from Miami and five of his friends at her house! Our stake was also asked to take in hurricane refugees (institutes kids from Ft. Lauderdale), which we were willing to do, but so far haven't been needed. Everyone needs our bottled water, gas, bread
etc. Luckily I keep a bunch of bottled water on hand (and refilled our supply weeks ago because of hurricane season) so I haven't had to pull hair or throw any punches in order to get it. I also have food storage so I was feeling pretty good about my situation- mostly just feeling grateful to be a member of the church that stresses preparation though.
Water, bread, gas. All are commodities this week.
Now about the actual storm-
Initially James was supposed to be working a 24 hour call shift (Sun morning to Monday morning) at the VA during the hurricane. I got really mad at him for not even attempting to switch shifts...I figured there are plenty of residents who's families have evacuated, or who don't have little ones who need them. Ricky, the scheduling lady talked to him and he didn't even ask because he loves being "Mr. Willing!" A definite strength, but a weakness in this situation I believe.
So anyway, after fighting about that, we decided I'd stay at the VA with him while he works, (apparently they allow that for the worker's families) which I felt fine about. The only problem was bringing all my emergency supply stuff with me would be a big pain. Also, I may get stuck there, which would be obnoxious with 4 riled up kids. Just a few minor kinks to work through.
Eventually though, he found someone who was willing and happy to switch him shifts. So, we'll all be home during this crazy storm and I'm pretty grateful!!!
I'm sooo ready to be over and done with this! This waiting game and the unknown is exhausting. It might kill me if the hurricane doesn't. So let the painfully tedious countdown begin...
33 hours, 45 min, 8 seconds
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
Fun trip
My friend Annie Brewster took these on our trips home for the 2016 family reunion. Such a fun trip!
Playing Catchup
I've been having technical problems...for over a year. Kind of gave up/forgot about the blog after a few unsuccessful attempts to post. Here's the beginning of the mad rush of pics to catch everyone up to the present.
Christmas 2016
Big News!
Christmas 2016
Big News!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)