Christmas 2025 family update

FAMILY UPDATE

~Benson is now in High School!!! He started 9th grade and is a freshman at Mountain Ridge High. He just finished a busy season of high school swim team and marching band. He plays the trombone in his band (which took 1st place in the state!). He is trying out for jazz band, so we’ll see if he’ll can hone his internal Louis Armstrong. He also plays the cello and piano, which he also enjoys. He is 15 years old so he will be ordained to a Priest in January. He is a leader in our family-so far the kids are following his lead in extracurricular activities.

~Eden is in 8th grade at Sierra Verde. She is such a great help with Gracie. She is a second mother to her younger siblings whether they like it or not. She plays soccer in the fall and spring for a team that has been together for the past 5 years. She also plays violin and piano. She loves tumbling and has mastered the double full on the trampoline. She, as well as all the kids are on a community swim team during the summertime. She got first place in the championships in Breaststroke! She is both sweet/feminine and strong/resiliant.

~Levi is in 5th grade, also at Sierra Verde. School comes easy to him- he started the clarinet in band class this year and is…improving quickly. He is thriving in violin and piano lessons, and does soccer and tumbling as well. He turned 11 this year, which means he will be ordained a Deacon in January. He set a goal to read the entire Book of Mormon in 3 months this year and finished early. We love and appreciate his good natured and kind disposition.

~Asa is having a great time in 3rd grade. He loves the violin and piano. He is learning quickly and recently learned how to play the theme song for Harry Potter. He also plays soccer where he recently found his calling in life– goalie. He’s almost a foot shorter than all his teammates but we’re hoping he’ll grow into his gloves. He also enjoys wrestling with his older brother. In spite of the fact that he is much smaller than Levi, it is still an even fight, probably because Levi goes easy on him. Asa also turned 8 this May and made the decision to be baptized. He is enthusiastic and FUN!

~Apollo just started Kindergarten and loves it! He is full of energy and enjoys trying to keep up with the older kids. He is in soccer and is trying to learn to keep the ball in bounds. He is a master at finding sweets in the house. We regularly find empty ice cream containers and candy wrappers behind the couch. He is so active that many times we’ll find him asleep in a random spot around the house in the afternoon. He was blessed with the ability to project his voice. We're not sure if that's a result of nature or nurture, but are glad he knows how to be heard. His comments provide a plenty of comic relief for our family.

~Grace is now 2 and is so fun! She is working on talking, swimming and potty training. Stacey sings Amazing Grace to her before every nap and bedtime, so she cries whenever she hears the song now (even when we’re at church). Once the older kids discovered this they began to tease her mercilessly. She has the cutest smile and laugh! She has everybody in the family wrapped around her cute little finger. We love our little Gracie!

~Stacey is amazing and somehow is able to manage 6 kids while making it look easy. She keeps up her pristine good looks by keeping a rigorous running schedule, spurred on by friends who are training for the Boston Marathon. She did her first marathon this year and rocked it! She loves biking around the neighborhood, and using the family's new hot tub to teach Gracie to swim. Managing the family's schedule keeps her busy.

~I (James) am loving life, even though it’s been a little more crazy lately. I turned 40 this year and my hair is officially dark gray. I was called to be Bishop of the ward in March and enjoy serving with great people. I am still passing gas and stabbing people in the back professionally and has been with Valley Anesthesia Consultants for 6 years now. I love my job!
We were able to go on many great family vacations this year, but the most impactful was to the Northeast US on a church history tour. It was over spring break and a specifically poignant time in life. It was the time between when I was called and when I was set apart as Bishop. It was a time of reflection for the family but most especially for me. But this time allowed all of us to revisit our own personal relationships with Jesus Christ and with each other. We are so grateful to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, for allowing us to be born in a time where we know about him, to be born in a country that allows us to worship Him, and to be in an area that embraces Him. We are so grateful for the coming forth of truth and knowledge that has allowed us a firm foundation on which we can build our testimonies. While we are imperfect, we strive each day to solidify that connection.

Repeat the Sounding Joy! (video created by Eden)

We hope you find joy in celebrating the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. We love this quote- "When the focus of our lives is on Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can find joy regardless of what is happening-or not happening-in our lives."
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2016/10/joy-and-spiritual-survival?lang=eng

If you made it this far, remember we love you! We're so grateful for the many wonderful people in our life!

“...let not your heart be troubled...”

I've had so many thoughts running through my head that I need to get some of them down.  Maybe after that my mind can take a rest.  Its been going a 1000 miles an a hour...while at the same time, not really coming to any conclusion or accomplishing much.

My heart is still broken. It will be this way for a long time...probably until the day the Savior comes and wipes away all tears from my eyes and turns these ashes into beauty. But in spite of that pain, there have been some tender mercies (clear reminders of the Lord's love for me) along the way that have helped me feel that He's close, that He is with me through this.


The first tender mercy happened when I was getting on the plane to fly home to FL- I ended up on the same flight as my friend Hannah Barton.  We weren't seated together at first, but the Delta people ended up switching our family to be right behind her.  And we didn't even have to ask for it.  Heavenly Father was taking care of me. I got the chance to sit right next to her and we talked for a long time. She told me about what it was like for her losing a sister. We cried together and laughed together and I'm sure the guy next to us was trying to ignore our conversation. I didn't care. Its just amazing to me when the Lord does stuff like that for me. I didn't know talking to Hannah would help me but He knew. The Lord really does know us better than we know ourselves.

Another tender mercy that I didn't realize until later- Levi had zero accidents while we were on the airplane and at mom and dad's house.  He was and still is only about 90% potty trained, and that is when I monitor and remind him really well. It really was a miracle because he was kind of neglected during the time. It was such a blessing that he didn't have any accidents.  I don't know if I could have handled changing poopy undies this week.

Also, during the funeral, somehow the kids were so quiet and reverent. Levi fell asleep in Asa's car seat which was amazing.  The spirit was so strong it was palpable. It was nothing short of a miracle that 35+ grandkids were quiet for a long funeral. No one had to leave to take out our kids.  all the adults got to sit and take it in, which we really hungry for. Another one of the many many tender mercies.

 I'm so grateful for my friends.  Everybody has been so kind and generous. Carly Goodman & Christine Knudson  have watched my kids and helped me, and so many other offer to help. A group of girls (Emily Knight, Liz Nelson, Corrin Hyde) were doing  freezer meals for themselves and made a bunch of extra meals for me too while they were at it.  Again, things I never asked for. I do make light of the RS sometimes, but man, when you are in need, they are the first ones to be there.  They have been my mortal angels lately, ministering to me. Its humbling to watch others (who's lives aren't easy) sacrifice for me. It really is a beautiful thing, I'll love them forever for it. I want to be quicker to be there for others (or at times with others) when they're low.


Right now the biggest thing that I'm struggling with is the dismay.  At the funeral and viewing, somehow I felt so much peace.  I was comforted to know she's back with Heavenly parents- her eternal home. She's free of the mental illness that held her bound. She's at the feet of Jesus, he's giving her answers, teaching her how the pieces are coming together for good. And she's with people who love her.
Now though, its back to the daily grind of life and the eternal truths don't feel as potent now as they did. At the funeral it was like I was wrapped in a big warm blanket of peace, reminding me that there is an eternal plan, that God has all wisdom and all power and knows what He is doing. It was easy to trust Him in that warmth, in spite of the fact that our hearts were crushed and aching. Now it feels like the blanket is gone. I still believe it all, but the facts are staring me in the face and they're not pretty. I struggling with the fact that our family has prayed and begged and fasted and been patient etc. etc. etc. After all of that, this is the resolve...?!  It just seems like worst case scenario, and so cruel or a slap in the face to our faith and hope and promises in God that we clung to. I could think of hundreds of ways to resolve Katie's plight that I'd be ok with, but this resolution (if you can call it that) I'm not ok with.   In the next life it will all make sense, things will be made right, blah blah blah. My question is for here in this life though. What are the promises for this life? Or is the hope we are to cling to solely for the next life?

I guess I can answer that question. The sure promises that we can count on from God gives for this life is this-- He will give peace to those who seek it from Him. Not as the world gives peace (John 14:27). The world would give peace by simply fixing everything that is wrong or upsetting, but that isn't always the way God gives peace. We can find peace by trusting Him and following Him. He will manifest Himself to His followers. I think he wants us to be able to find peace not just during the easy parts of life but also in the turmoil. To find hope and joy in the promises of our Savior's infinite atonement in our behalf that will right every wrong and mend every hurt. I read the scripture today, 2 NE 2:25 "Men are, that they might have joy." and the scripture before that says, "all things have been done in the wisdom  of Him who knoweth all things." Its just a hard time to get that knowledge into my head and heart, with these facts staring at me in the face.

Another thing that is hard is that part of me is afraid that if I embrace and accept that peace that I felt, it is almost like I'm approving or condoning her choice to take her life. There is an element of relief to all of this, but to really embrace that seems wrong. I don't want the grandkids or myself or anyone in a mentally unhealthy place to feel like this is an acceptable solution to challenges or that what she did actually helped her situation. I don't know how to recon with that.   
I've developed a very unexpected empathy for people who struggle with doubts. I'm not doubting my testimony. I definitely know that the Book of Mormon is true and Joseph Smith restored the church, I guess I'm just realizing deeply for the first time that I can't see the whole picture, and that from my point of view the picture is turning out really ugly and turning into something I don't think is beautiful.  So I can can understand how people have questions that they just can't come to grips with, and its not ok with them.  I just wish that those people would keep the faith in spite of that bc at some point they'll realize that they're getting bent out of shape for a few things they don't understand, while the big picture is so much more than that. I guess I should take my own advice.

Mosiah 4:9 "...believe in God, believe that He has all power, both in heaven and in earth.  Believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend..."

Boy is that an easy scripture to believe during this time.   

I've also found comfort in the beginning of Ecclesiates 3. "There is a time to every season under heaven. A time to laugh and a time to weep. A time to speak and a time for silence..." I can't even put my finger on why I've found comfort in that but I have. Maybe this is just a time for our hearts to ache and to grieve and to be confused. That feels true. All while trusting that Jesus can and will make beauty out from the ashes.

I've also had a huge feeling of relief for the Savior, who saves us from our foolish choices.  Oh this would be so much harder to bear if this life were the end. Or even if we were just left to ourselves.  I'm just so grateful for Him for descendng below all things, so that we could have hope.

I already wrote this, but I love some of  the phrase from Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer. Put Thy loving arms around us. We are weak, but thou art strong. Precious Savior Dear Redeemer, thou wilt bind the broken heart. Let not sorrow overwhelm us, dry the bitter tears that start.

Also, "If you could hie to Kolob" . The lyrics are a little strange, but I have an arrangement of the song that I love, that just seems to reaffirm the scripture I already mentioned- Mosiah 4:9. "Believe that man doth not comprehend all things which the Lord can comprehend."  If only we were that much closer to the Lord, some of the darkness would be dispelled and the confusion would be cleared up.

Another thought I've had though, is this- what right do I have to be given all the answers? Look at Emma Smith.  She sacrificed nearly everything she could to the Lord. Way more than me, at least, and yet she didn't have the answers given to her on a silver platter.  She was much more deserving in my opinion.

Another thought I've had is a picture in my mind of a chain (representing the sealing power).  When part of a chain is sagging, the two parts on either side of the chain can tighten and lift up the part that sags.  I'm not exactly sure what that means is real life, but I feel like the image I had in mind was from the spirit.  I'm so grateful for the sealing power.  I'm also felt more gratitude for my garments. I definitely need that shielding and protecting influence.   

Oh God, why must it be so?!

(The title of this is what Joseph F. Smith wrote in his journal after his oldest son died, but those words are exactly how I feel right now.)

Our hearts are crushed. We are still reeling. Deep breath, here we go...

Ten days ago my big sister Katie took her own life.  I'm not going to rehash all the details of the incident.  Just writing this without all that is making my stomach sick. To say the least, she'd been struggling severely for the last six to ten years.  She got divorced from her first husband less than a year after she had Payden (her 3rd baby who is a month older than Benson).  Since then, there's been some pretty bitter custody battles. Katie started out with full custody, which eventually changed to half custody, which slowly decreased until she had only one hour a week (supervised) with them. The only thing Katie wanted was her kids. The less time Katie had with her them, the more her mental health deteriorated.  The last 6 years she went into the hospital around 5 times. She was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2, then her diagnosis was switched. We're not sure what came first- the decline of mental health leading to less time with the kids? Or less time with the kids, leading to decline of mental health.
It doesn't matter now, but I still wonder why the last part of her life had to be so hard.  Especially with the repeated prayers, the fasting, the priesthood blessing, putting her name on the temple prayer, etc. etc. etc.  One thing is for sure, the Lord knew about her situation and for a reason unknown to me, he allowed all of this to happen in spite of the innumerable faith filled petitions to heaven in her behalf.  And when I say petitions, what I really mean is begging and pleading, crying, bargaining, accepting, giving up, then begging and pleading and starting the cycle again.  This situation has given my parents (let along Katie) a taste of the pains of what hell feel like. 
Life is a test I suppose, and they had a very difficult one. The only thought I've had to go along with this is that you wouldn't give a graduate student a kindergarten test.  I have the utmost respect for my mom and dad; in my book they are graduate students, with graduate student level work to accomplish.

-----

Going home was an absolute whirlwind.  Found out the news Wed. night. Hardly slept.  Flew home early early Friday. Hardly slept again bc of the early flight...which we missed (by 3 min and which was no fault of our own...gah). I was nervous to be home and having to face reality, but being home was so good.  I love my family so much.  They are all anchored, strong and amazing.  We cried together and laughed together and talked and analyzed and remembered. There was a very special spirit there. Ironic, considering the situation, but it was true.  We were so unified and the veil seemed thin. Oh how I needed my family.

My mom was picking up Katie's kids on Saturday at the courthouse for a court-ordered-grandparent visit (unrelated to Katie's passing). My parents had spent thousands of dollars to get grandparent rights. Sometime during the exchange my mom remembered that Katie had very emphatically asked her 4 days before passing away that the fued over the kids be OVER. It had been long lasting and bitter. Forgiveness was a huge miracle for our family to say the least, and a burden off our shoulders. Also probably such a relief for Katie's kids.     
The girls were all invited to dress Katie on Sunday night before the viewing.  None of the inlaws ended up going though, just the sisters. It was such a peaceful experience.  My mom said a powerful prayer and thanked Heavenly Father for helping the fued to be over. It was the healing we all needed...especially my mom. Jill did Katie's nails (french tipped) and I curled her hair.  She has beautiful and hands and finger nails.  Mom french braided it (inside out) like a headband and all the girls matched our hair to hers.  Her hair felt just like I remembered it.  I was surprised.  I thought it would lose some of its luster and coarsen up a bit but it was just as shiny and beautiful as always. I think the familiarity of her hands and hair made it seem like she was just sleeping and would wake up at any time. 

The viewing was packed.  I saw so many people that I love there. It was supposed to last from 6-8 but we didn't leave until 10:30.  The very end of it was spent with just the siblings a few cousins on my mom's side though. Once again, we cried together and laughed together.  There was such a sweet spirit there. Again, the veil was thin.  This was the night I started to lose my voice completely.  Six days later, and its still not back.

Monday was another viewing before the funeral, the funeral, and the burial in Goshen Cemetary. Each of the siblings spoke. We were only supposed to go for 3 minutes but I went way over (whoops).  I also played "If you could Hie to Kolob."
My mom requested a copy of everyone's talks, so here it is-

-------
I'm Katies youngest sibling and the favorite in the family :)   Our childhood was near perfect. There was a lot of laughing and a lot of butting heads. Apparently Katie and Scott thought I was spoiled because when I was little they made up a song about me that they'd sing to me over and over.
            (Rudely)- Katie and Scott, take out the garbage, take out the trash...
            (Sweetly)- Stacey baby, Stacey baby, Stacey baby, Stacey baby
            (Rudely)- Katie and Scott, do the laundry, do the work
            (Sweetly)- Stacey baby, Stacey baby, Stacey baby, Stacey baby...
We used to play in our front bushes alot. We would throw berries at cars from the our hideout. The first time the big kids showed me where their hideout was, I was told that they were actually throwing apples at cars, instead of berries. (They were only throwing apples at the road, not at the cars but I didn't know that).  The next car that drove by I threw an apple at. It hit the passenger door.  It was our neighbor, Harry Burgendorf, who had a very short fuse.  He stopped and lectured us, but I ran away so the big kids took the heat for me.

After I got married I lived in Pocatello. Katie and I spent a lot of time together.  We would go play volleyball with a group that was way better than us. Katie had a signature scream that she'd do whenever she missed.  It rubbed off on me.

I remember telling Katie that I was pregnant with Benson.  I was probably only 6 weeks.  Katie told me that she was also pregnant (with Payden) but about 4 1/2 months along.

Katie had a really difficult deliver with Payden.  I can't remember why, but she ended up needing a c section. The first time after seeing her, I remember thinking she was so beautiful.

The first Christmas after Benson and Payden were born, Katie was playing with Payden and making him laugh so hard.  I just remember thinking how advanced Payden was, because him and Benson weren't very far apart in age, and Benson was no where near laughing.

The night I found out about Katie's passing, I was at a complete loss for words.  After crying longer and harder than I ever have, I sat down at the piano.  I found a song that took on new meaning.  The hymn, "Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer". 
            Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer, we are weak, but thou art strong...
             put thy loving arms around us
            Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer, thou wilt bind the broken heart.
            In thine infinite compassion, dry the bitter tears that start.

This week I have felt the Savior putting His arms around us.  I have felt Him drying the bitter tears.
Now I want to play a song, "If you could Hie to Kolob"
I believe if we were just that much closer to God, maybe some of this confusion would be cleared up.
In the name of Jesus Christ amen

--------

So that was my talk.  The funeral was a beautiful celebration of Katie's life.  Jesus Christ and the atonement was beautifully intertwined.  Many people mentioned that to me, and I could just feel the spirit so strongly.  It was definitely a spiritual high.
After the funeral we had the luncheon, then drove out to Goshen for the burial.  The next day, Tuesday, was filled with cleaning out her stuff. Wed, we were still cleaning, but decided to take a break and go out to Pizza Pie Cafe, then Lava afterward.  It was a much appreciated break.

The next morning, Thursday, James and I left and drove up to Meridian to see James' Grandpa Phelps.  He's definitely on his way out.  We love him and his wife Carol.
On Fri, we spent time with the Brown's in SL. Jessica planned an amazing party for Benson since his birthday was the day of the viewing and obviously a little overlooked. I was struggling to get Katie's situation off my mind.  The violent nature of her passing was especially getting to me but I didn't say anything to anybody.  Vicki suggested that we go to the temple while John was officiating a session.  We were out at Jessica's house and made it back and to the session.  It was nothing short of a miracle.  James and I had no temple clothes, and I had no recommend. Vicki called John and asked him to get all the clothes ready for me so we could just go straight in. He also told the people at the recommend desk to look me up ahead of time so I could get in. They can look up your name and recommend status with just an id now!  We got to the temple at about 6:23, for the 6:30 session.

I rushed to go to the waiting room, but they were already taking people up to the first instructional room, so   I came face to face with Evy and Doug--my aunt and uncle! I gave her the biggest hug and cried.  I can't even describe the relief it was to see them. It was so nice to have someone who knew what I'm going through and who loved Katie as well. The biggest, most obvious tender mercy I have ever experienced. At that moment I knew the Lord was aware of me and would help me get through this.  Even if my heart was still aching and my questions weren't all answered.       

Irma, Irma and more Irma

Did I mention hurricane Irma is coming? Two words can sum my entire week up- hurricane prep. I think I've checked the weather app a billion times, because the projectd the path of this storm is always changing…that Irma, she’s a tricky one.

current projected path

Its consumed all of our to do lists, thoughts, texts, prayers, conversations with friends, family, etc.  Speaking of which, Katressa, Michelle, Meredith, Annie, Collin, thanks for checking up on me and having having my back:)

Gainesville has become a zoo (aka a major evacuation zone for half the state of Florida). My friend has her cousin from Miami and five of his friends at her house! Our stake was also asked to take in hurricane refugees (institutes kids from Ft. Lauderdale), which we were willing to do, but so far haven't been needed. Everyone needs our bottled water, gas, bread etc. Luckily I keep a bunch of bottled water on hand (and refilled our supply weeks ago because of hurricane season) so I haven't had to pull hair or throw any punches in order to get it. I also have food storage so I was feeling pretty good about my situation- mostly just feeling grateful to be a member of the church that stresses preparation though. 

Water, bread, gas. All are commodities this week.

Now about the actual storm-

  Initially James was supposed to be working a 24 hour call shift (Sun morning to Monday morning) at the VA during the hurricane. I got really mad at him for not even attempting to switch shifts...I figured there are plenty of residents who's families have evacuated, or who don't have little ones who need them. Ricky, the scheduling lady talked to him and he didn't even ask because he loves being "Mr. Willing!"  A definite strength, but a weakness in this situation I believe.

So anyway, after fighting about that, we decided I'd stay at the VA with him while he works, (apparently they allow that for the worker's families) which I felt fine about.  The only problem was bringing all my emergency supply stuff with me would be a big pain. Also, I may get stuck there, which would be obnoxious with 4 riled up kids. Just a few minor kinks to work through.  

Eventually though, he found someone who was willing and happy to switch him shifts. So, we'll all be home during this crazy storm and I'm pretty grateful!!!

I'm sooo ready to be over and done with this!  This waiting game and the unknown is exhausting.  It might kill me if the hurricane doesn't. So let the painfully tedious countdown begin...

33 hours, 45 min, 8 seconds 

  

Fun trip

My friend Annie Brewster took these on our trips home for the 2016 family reunion. Such a fun trip!

Playing Catchup

I've been having technical problems...for over a year. Kind of gave up/forgot about the blog after a few unsuccessful  attempts to post.  Here's the beginning of the mad rush of pics to catch everyone up to the present.

Christmas 2016

Big News!

Text convo--Mom problems

This is the jist of a long text conversation with my friends- mom problems! Greatful for good friends! Sometimes you just need the advice of a friend more than anyone else! 

K girls I could use your wisdom when you have a chance to respond. The high that I mentioned was short lived. I seriously feel like I'm going nuts at times and am on the verge of either tears or lashing  out at my kids or James at any moment😝.  I just don't know how to take care of the kids/myself/house/etc. Pretty much I'm a total psycho path right now. I want to be in a better place emotionally.  I probably would have felt this way in az but I had you guys and Ali to vent to, where I felt understood. Plus James' schedule was totally easy compared to what he's working now.  

Here I really like the girls but don't feel comfortable enough with anyone to vent honestly yet. I feel super insecure about venting to people about how overwhelming my kids are to me. And here is why... bc I don't want to vent about the kids just to (voluntarily) get pregnant again in like a year. I also don't want people to look at me (also the inner critic looking at myself) and think- she's a complete mess and has guilted herself into having more kids, but doesn't even want them. 

Because in reality I do want a big family and think the craziness of this stage will be well worth the effort.  And want to be a healthy person. Obviously I'm having an inner struggle and am curious to hear ur thoughts/advice. I'm pretty sure I know what my family would say and don't want to worry my mom, bc next thing I know she'll fly out here. Lol. And only a complete loser would vent to Ali right now.

This is late, but its what helps me avoid/survive/overcome my psychotic episodes. I loved ur ideas, btw mere! 

-scripture study -essential- Usually I listen to the lds scripture app (bc usually when I try to read my scripts in the morning I fall asleep)

-Exercise- another essential one

-preparing meals/things ahead of time so I'm not too preoccupied with finishing stuff

-going to bed early and getting up before kids 

-Avoid being in a hurry (brings out the monster in me)

-Figure out a way to make weekends and holidays special for myself and kids when James works (going out to eat, dollar theater, etc)

- have more fun with my kids- realize that if I don't enjoy them when they're little, I'm going to regret it big time later on. Also pretend like someone else is in the house with me so that I control my tone of voice and stuff with them 

- when I totally blow it and lash out, try to be humble enough to apologize immediately. Also apologize to Heavenly Father and pray really hard for extra help...Then, if possible, put myself in time out, and lock the kids out of the house or in their bedroom. Or lock myself in my room. Or tell kids I'm not allowed to talk to them for X amount of time.